Friday, May 12, 2006

File under: "mistakes I made in my life"

It’s easy to fall in love. You meet someone new, they make you laugh, they exchange sexual innuendo with you. You have been on your own for a year, and would love some adult company. You’ve toyed with a few men – not considering the implications on their lives should you take it too far. But then you meet someone who you get on with so well they could be like your best mate at school! To have a partner for life who is your best friend, shares your sense of humour and sense of adventure about life … what could be better?

But at what cost? You want him so badly that you try to not think about the pain it will cause his family. And anyway, you can justify it – he wouldn’t be talking dirty to you if he was happy with his wife. Would he?

And then there comes the time when you realise. Now you are trying to make him face the realities of the outcome of the actions that you took – it would be easier for him to start chatting to some new woman looking for love, rather than facing his responsibilities. He can offer her his wit, charm and sexual advances. And she too, will be unaware of his inability to deal with life’s challenges. She will think – wow! A man with wit, warmth, a cheeky streak, a sense of fun, a sense of adventure – just imagine – living out your life with someone like that! And she too will try to put the implications out of her mind. “I’ll ensure he always sees his kids.” “It won’t matter that we have to send money back for their upbringing.” “We’ll be poor, but we’ll be happy.” She won’t know that the resentment will soon come to the surface – he’ll hate sending money to his ex-wife, because he blames her not himself for their failings. She won’t know that the stress of this and dealing with her own children will render him unable to communicate. She won’t know that soon he’ll be avoiding eye contact with her too.

She won’t know. I didn't.

Monday, May 08, 2006

The monster within ...

This morning I saw the “monster” the my 7 year old son has been talking about. A friend at work was amused by the story and picture her son brought home the other day. She stopped me outside work to tell me about it.

“S (her son) brought a picture home from school yesterday. It was a picture he had drawn under D’s (my son) instruction. D pulled a face and told S that it was the monster that A (my husband) becomes when he is angry, and that S was to draw it for him.”

My friend innocently thought this was an amusing story, but to me it was a knife in the heart. I managed to rationalise it, put it down to his active imagination and convinced myself that they actually have a lot of fun together.

At Easter, D made me a card. In it the words were along the lines of, “Love you Mum – but please split up with A.” I was furious that the Holiday Club had let him write this, and furious with D’s Dad when I found that he had seen it (and meant to alert me to it) but left it for me to see so that I could deal with it. What happened was – I found the card, said ah look – D’s made us an Easter card and started to read it out. I was upset for my husband that he had to hear it, annoyed with Holiday Club and my ex, and worried that D thought it.

This morning, having sorted CSA forms, found statements, written a letter requesting a variation etc etc, I waited while he spoke to the CSA about it. They asked for a form that we hadn’t completed, I said I’ll find it on the net. He virtually spat the words "I can only listen to one conversation at a time." I then saw that face. That monster. It was that moment that I realised why my children think that my husband doesn’t like them.

At what cost my happiness? Even - am I happy?