I'm tired of compromising ...

I've left him a note this morning. Telling him I've had enough of his grumps. I've realised that just about everything I do now I have to first consider whether its going to piss him off. My elder son aged 10 (nearly 11) wanted to buy some chocolate after his swimming lesson with his own money. My 8 yr old turns into a sugar monster if he eats sweets. So, I said to G, "you can if you like, but then D will want some and you know what happens if he has sweets and then A will be pissed off all evening." G said, "ok Mum, I won't have any". He knew it wasn't worth it. I'm feeling incredibly sad realising that he's learnt that at such an early age.

Last weekend we went to visit his children. We also went out with his ex-wife and her husband. It was supposed to be a lovely thing to do. They were fine - the ex and her man, but as soon as I left the table to get my food (it was a buffet), he started having a going at D about not eating enough. He doesn't do the same to his own children. His ex said to me later (when things escalated and I called her in tears) that he never used to be so nasty.

I finished one marriage because the spark had gone. He was a gentle, reasonable man (but by no means perfect). I've compromised far more in this relationship and I've loved much more, much more deeply, but there has to be a line and at this moment (with no alcohol in my system, or fresh hurt from arguments) I have a cold, painful realisation that I would prefer to be on my own.

File under: "mistakes I made in my life"

It’s easy to fall in love. You meet someone new, they make you laugh, they exchange sexual innuendo with you. You have been on your own for a year, and would love some adult company. You’ve toyed with a few men – not considering the implications on their lives should you take it too far. But then you meet someone who you get on with so well they could be like your best mate at school! To have a partner for life who is your best friend, shares your sense of humour and sense of adventure about life … what could be better?

But at what cost? You want him so badly that you try to not think about the pain it will cause his family. And anyway, you can justify it – he wouldn’t be talking dirty to you if he was happy with his wife. Would he?

And then there comes the time when you realise. Now you are trying to make him face the realities of the outcome of the actions that you took – it would be easier for him to start chatting to some new woman looking for love, rather than facing his responsibilities. He can offer her his wit, charm and sexual advances. And she too, will be unaware of his inability to deal with life’s challenges. She will think – wow! A man with wit, warmth, a cheeky streak, a sense of fun, a sense of adventure – just imagine – living out your life with someone like that! And she too will try to put the implications out of her mind. “I’ll ensure he always sees his kids.” “It won’t matter that we have to send money back for their upbringing.” “We’ll be poor, but we’ll be happy.” She won’t know that the resentment will soon come to the surface – he’ll hate sending money to his ex-wife, because he blames her not himself for their failings. She won’t know that the stress of this and dealing with her own children will render him unable to communicate. She won’t know that soon he’ll be avoiding eye contact with her too.

She won’t know. I didn't.

The monster within ...

This morning I saw the “monster” the my 7 year old son has been talking about. A friend at work was amused by the story and picture her son brought home the other day. She stopped me outside work to tell me about it.

“S (her son) brought a picture home from school yesterday. It was a picture he had drawn under D’s (my son) instruction. D pulled a face and told S that it was the monster that A (my husband) becomes when he is angry, and that S was to draw it for him.”

My friend innocently thought this was an amusing story, but to me it was a knife in the heart. I managed to rationalise it, put it down to his active imagination and convinced myself that they actually have a lot of fun together.

At Easter, D made me a card. In it the words were along the lines of, “Love you Mum – but please split up with A.” I was furious that the Holiday Club had let him write this, and furious with D’s Dad when I found that he had seen it (and meant to alert me to it) but left it for me to see so that I could deal with it. What happened was – I found the card, said ah look – D’s made us an Easter card and started to read it out. I was upset for my husband that he had to hear it, annoyed with Holiday Club and my ex, and worried that D thought it.

This morning, having sorted CSA forms, found statements, written a letter requesting a variation etc etc, I waited while he spoke to the CSA about it. They asked for a form that we hadn’t completed, I said I’ll find it on the net. He virtually spat the words "I can only listen to one conversation at a time." I then saw that face. That monster. It was that moment that I realised why my children think that my husband doesn’t like them.

At what cost my happiness? Even - am I happy?

Time for a new blog

I already have a blog, which is public, has readers (some but not a huge number) and I share it with my other half - now these are my problems:

1. The readers.

2. My Other Half.

Among my readers are my Husband, my Ex-Husband, my Husband's Ex-Wife, my Husband's children, my Husband's Ex-Wife's Equally Bitter Friends and so on. It's become a forum where I have to watch what I say, and sometimes you just want to have a really good rant and get it off your chest.

Now last year, my Other Half became my Husband. We met on the net, fell in love at first Messenger, he left his wife, kids and home to come and be with me. I was already seperated, had set up home with my boys. Life was good, but I was starting to miss having a man around, and to be quite honest I had become fairly desperate for sex, taking it here and there in far from ideal circumstances. But then came along Husband (which of course he wasn't at the time, he was someone elses).

Last year before we married I had some doubts, and on a very drunk evening almost called it all off. But I didn't and most of the time things are 100% good. But then there are the other times, and this is the reason for the blog. I started this blog in December 2005 after a night out returning drunk and in full arguing mode. I thought it would be good to have a record of all of the 'bad' in our relationship - our other blog containing pretty much all of the good plus a few minor rants. I thought it might help me to consider the relationship, the impact it's having on my kids, my principles, my happiness and ultimately, should there come a time would give me a record of events leading up to a climax.

I can't find/remember-for-the-life-of-me the password for the blog I started in December, so is that first post reproduced and sadly will be added to - I know that already ...

Don't be so nasty to my children ...

Sometimes it feels like I have 3 children, not a husband plus 2. Tonight he sent 6yrold to eat in the conservatory because 6yrold was pulling faces about having to eat carrot. The other night he sent 9yrold to his room for picking the burnt/chewy bits off his meal. Then went on and on about him always having to pick something off and leave it. 9yrold is the best eating child I have ever come across, he eats a wide selection of food including vegetables and loves fruit. So back to tonight. I took crying child from the conservatory to his bedroom to calm him down. By this point i didn't even want my tea, and for me to not want a meal is pretty out of character. So I had a cup of tea and waited til 6yrold was calm and wanted to resume eating. We joined husband and 9yrold back at the table and finished our meal. As soon as husband had finished his meal he went up to bed (at 8:30). He's been down for a smoke and has been to the loo, but has he come and talked to me? No. I'm doing my best to leave him in his cave - he doesn't like to be forced to talk. So having got my boys to bed, I'm sitting here on my own wondering whether he will EVER have a good relationship with my kids and whether him being with me is damaging them. They both tell me they hate him cos he is horrible. Always shouting and nasty to them. It's not ALWAYS, but it's frequent enough for them to feel it and for me to worry about it.

head hurts

my thoughts. i have to keep this private.tonight for the first time I missed my ex. after 5 years. I was with my husband and missed my ex."I didn't talk for 3 days because you see yr kids every week and complained about getting up at 5am to see mine""Idon't want to go for anything to eat, i need to go home and go to bed" - ok, so why eat half my pizza when we got homedon't talk to me all the way home. don't talk to me when we get home. don't go to bed.hurrah. asleeep on the sofa. stay there all night.no sex til apology

Comment: I was v drunk when I wrote the above.